I am Nothing
by Merridaine
Summary: I can control everything in my life. They call it an illness, they say it controls me but it only helps. Sakura's life spirals out of control with only a few people to turn to she takes over. Anorexia,Bulemia,Rape,SelfHarm
1. Chapter 1: Cry Me a River

**Please do not read if the following disturb you: Rape, Anorexia, Bulimia or Self harm. This is inspired by one of the few women who suffered from the disease Anorexia Nervosa because of childhood trauma. Read if you're confused.**

My father, he's home. A moment ago I felt the house shudder as he slammed the front door. He's home. He's back and I can hear him coming up the stairs-each creak means he's getting closer to me. Any minute now and he will be in my room. In with me and I have nothing to stop him. _I am nothing_. I try to push myself under the bed; shoving aside boxes and clothing. Maybe he'll be too drunk to notice me. Maybe he would walk straight past and think I've gone out.

Tonight I could be lucky. If I was, I would pay for it tomorrow. But I would be safe tonight. I could spare myself the pain tonight. I pressed myself against the floor. _I am nothing_. The house is silent. Where is he? I can't wait, the tension is killing me, I can't wait. And the suspension ends. The door bursts open and he's there.

He's something terrible in my doorway. Something powerful and terrible. Now he's calling to me. Maybe he wants to know about my day? Maybe he's happy? Maybe he's the same as always.

"Sak, sweetie?" comes his gentle voice "Sak, where'ya hiding? Aren't you a little old for hide and seek Sak?"

I wish he would stop calling me that. I haven't been _Sak_ for 7 years now. I havnt been Sak since I was eight. He's looking in my closet. He's staring at my clothes.

"Sak, honey. I don't like these clothes- they're too old for you. You're my baby Sak-sweetie"

I grimace. They're not my clothes. They're my mother's. They're the only things left in the house that belong to her- that still smell of her and remind me of her. I can't control my breathing. I can't control it, I'm loosing everything. I need to be calm. I need to be _nothing_. _I am nothing._

"There you are Sak!" I scream as he grabs my ankle, he's grasp is strong. It's as strong as iron. And he's pulling me, dragging me out of the dark. The dark; where it is uncertain. And he's pulling me into the light. Where I can see his face, his expression and that ashen pallor.

He's not my father anymore. _I am nothing _and he is a monster. His face is thrust into mine. I can smell his rank breath. It's sickening it's sickening like carrion. When he speaks to me spittle sticks to my face and I feel nauseous.

"Sak, my little girl" he breaths. He leans forward and whispers in my ear. He tells me he loves me. But _I am nothing_. You can't love something that doesn't exist. I can feel his gaze on me. He looks me up and down. I risk a glance at his face, he seems surprised.

I feel uneasy. He usually hits me and goes. I help him relieve his stress by becoming a punch bag. But now, now I feel so uneasy.

"Daddy…" I start but squeak as his weight falls on top of me. He's crushing me and I can hardly breathe. But he can't hurt me _I am nothing. Nothing._

"Sakura, Sakura. You've grown, you look just like your mother"

What's he talking about, what does he mean? He reeks of alcohol. He absolutely stinks. I want to vomit, I want to get rid of the stench of him. He lifts a hand, as if to slap me. I sigh half relieved. It's nearly over- I can cry in a minute. I can lie snivelling on the floor- emerged in my own weakness.

It came down gently. The hand caressed my cheek and then roughly pushed my head to the side. His hot, moist breath tickled my neck and I wretched at the feeling. My father, the monster planted a kiss beneath my ear. I panicked and began to struggle. He was disgusting- he was ruining me. I couldn't let him do it but his weight pinned me down.

"Please, please stop, Daddy…" I hoped the childish name would snap him out of it. I hoped he would see he was hurting a child. He only laughed, it was so cruel, so cold and I didn't understand at all.

"Sak, Sak, there's nothing wrong" how could he say that? How could he believe that. Even now his hand worked its way down, his calloused skin catching on my neck. It trailed past my collar bone and I struggled again.

"Daddy! Stop!" I screamed but he continued. He roughly grasped my breast. I began to cry- even though I had promised not to cry in front of him again. He groped it, relishing in the texture. I tried to scream again and I thought it worked. He took the hand away and punched me across the cheek.

"Shut up, shut up you whore"

"I'm not a whore! I'm not, I-I" I screeched then my voice dropped "_I'm nothing" _he laughed and returned to my breast. Soon he bored of the top I was wearing and tried to rip it. He fabric strained against my skin- pushing against my spin. Finally it gave way and tore raggedly. I took the opportunity to try and wriggle away, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't fast enough and he slammed his fist into my gut. Making me wretch again. The tears were hot on my face, I was sweating I couldn't escape.

Greedily the monster began to disgrace my body. He touched me; he stroked me with a brutal tenderness. Everything burned, it was so wrong. Why couldn't he leave me alone? Couldn't he see _I was nothing?_

His right hand pounded into the fatty tissue upon my chest. I refused to think of it as a breast, it wasn't something so associated with love anymore. It was used and dirty. I didn't want it to be part of me. His left hand crept down to my skirt, hoisting it up. I cried more, pleading with him, begging him to let me go. Why was he doing this, he had long ago shattered my image of what a father should be. He had woken me to the reality that I was living in.

Hitting me hadn't been enough, how long had he been watching me? How long had he watched my body grow into the shape of my mother's? Had he craved me, or is it only now under the influence of alcohol that he had no idea what he was doing.

His left hand slid under my panties, I choked as my vomit rose. I pushed at him, hoping, just hoping he would roll off and it would be a dream. He only rose a couple of inches before my strength failed me and he fell again.

He was suffocating me and yet it was not enough. If only all the air could be forced from my body, then I wouldn't feel him defiling my body. I hate him. I hate him for ignoring that _I am nothing. _Maybe in his sick twisted mind he realised. He realised that nothing could be hurt. Nothing didn't matter to the rest of the world. I didn't matter because _I am nothing. _

I cried out in pain as he forced a finger into me. I wasn't used to it, I wasn't ready for it and I felt nothing but hate for the thing on top of me. My body wouldn't allow him in- I was tight and dry- I wouldn't let him in. I screamed as he threatened to tear me apart with his fingers.

I had never been in this much agony- I feared him now, hate wasn't enough. I couldn't breath, my retching and coughing grew worse.

"Sak- I'm going to make you mine. Like I made your mother" he whispered in my ear menacingly. I knew it wasn't an empty threat. In this small house he was king, he controlled everything and I couldn't escape.

Purposefully he sat up and began to undo his belt, his weight now shifted onto my hips and it gave me enough leverage to sit up. With all my strength I pushed at him and he toppled onto my pile of clothing. My instincts took over and I scrambled over the bed, desperate to escape the monster. To escape the pain. With no hesitation I ran onto the landing. I glanced behind me but ran into something.

It was a man, tall and grey haired. I tried to scurry backwards but heard my father's laboured breathing from inside my room- he was getting up again. He made it to the door and I was desperate now. The stranger couldn't understand what I was going through and seemed shocked enough as it was. The man didn't react fast enough as I pushed past- just as I had thought.

I heard a thump and my father lay, sprawled on the floor like a rag doll. The monster was unconscious. Relief washed over me and I collapsed to the ground, vomiting. It was over, I felt so empty- it was as if I had just regurgitated all my hopes and dreams.

They tasted so bitter.

And _I am nothing _again.

**The woman I have written it about was raped by her father's best friend. This woman, could not live with what happened to her... Some of that will be echoed in a later chapter. Sneak peak below...**

**_"It was the only way, the only way I could take control of my life. The only way that distanced me from other people. Nobody wants to talk to the girl who looks like a boy" _**

**I would like to hear your thoughts about it. Please do leave a review. How have I done? Do you think I over did it a bit? If anyone want to Beta by the way feel free.**


	2. Chapter 2: Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush

**Firstly, I'd like to apologise for my long absence. I know I've been lazy and basically letting you guys down. I still feel strongly about this story but I can't really put some of my ideas into words. I promise to make more of an effort. I ****will** **finish this story!**

**Thank you for the AMAZING reviews.**

Chapter 2: Hush, Hush, Hush, Hush.

The police station was cold. Stark white walls were covered in anti-drug and neighbourhood watch posters. I pulled the jacket I'd been given tighter around me. It was huge on me and I hoped it would swallow me up so no one would ever see me again. Phones rang shrilly in the background and officers ran backwards and forwards; their boots squeaking on the tacky brown floor.

I curled up in my chair, pressing myself against the cold plastic. The hard, rough surface was abrasive on the bare skin of my cheek but I didn't care. Maybe it would grate my skin away, grate my face away so no one could look at me again. Hot tears spilt from my eyes; angrily I rubbed them away with a balled fist until my eyes were sore and red.

I heard footsteps approaching me and I tried to make myself smaller. I hoped the approaching person wouldn't notice me and walk straight past. I attempted to calm my ragged breathing; the loud choking sound would alert them to my presence. I had to be invisible; I had to be _nothing_.I was _nothing_. To my relief my respiration rate dropped and quietened.

My shoulders tensed as the footsteps got louder. I began to shake, I couldn't stop, I couldn't look up.

In my mind's eye I could see _him_ stumbling towards me in a drunken stupor. His eyes would be dark with rage but clouded by alcohol. I could almost smell him, a stench of sweat and stale cigarettes. In a moment he'd reach out to hit me – oh god I hoped he'd hit me – I couldn't bare it if he touched me again. Bile burnt the back of my throat and I gripped my chair until my fingers ached with pain.

"Miss Haruno?" I choked on a sob as I realised the voice didn't belong to my father. "Miss Haruno? Are you feeling ill?"

Fresh tears rolled down my face – I felt so light. My chest wasn't constricted any more… I guess I felt relief.

"Miss Haruno, please, we need to speak with you."

"Go away." I rasped, it hurt to speak, my throat was raw.

"I'm truly sorry; but we really must speak to you. Would you feel more comfortable speaking to one of our female officers?"

Oh god, I couldn't let anyone see me. I couldn't let people see how disgusting I was. They'd only have to look at me to see I was tainted.

I looked at him. He looked at me. It was the officer from earlier, the one who'd found me. He reached out to touch me. I shrunk back into my chair. I was so frightened and I was trapped, I couldn't escape.

"I'm sorry." He apologised.

I said nothing, only stared with terrified eyes.

"Do you want a female officer?" He repeated.

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. I couldn't stand anyone but him. He had already seen what had happened. No one else could know.

"Alright," he paused, lowering his voice to a murmur "That man, is he your father?"

'_Is he?'_ I thought _'Fathers are meant to love you, to protect you – not hurt you'_.

"_That_ man is **not** my father." I said firmly, my voice held more strength than I thought I possessed. The grey haired officer sighed and touched his forehead for a moment.

"Alright Miss Haruno, is he your biological father?"

I nodded mutely.

"Where is your mother?"

My mother? I wasn't allowed to talk about Mum. I wasn't allowed to tell people what had happened. I couldn't tell them, I just couldn't. _He'd_ kill me! _He'd_ kill them! I couldn't – I couldn't!

_My poor mother, I wish she'd died when he pushed her. I'd been so sure she was dead when her head hit the floor with that sickening crack – when all that blood poured from her head, matting her beautiful pale hair, staining it rusty red. I'd cried out for her and he'd struck me too, sending me flying across the landing. I'd hit the wall and landed in a small heap, too frightened to move an inch. She tried to turn her face to me then, to mouth it was alright. But I knew it wasn't; I'd seen the raw untamed fear in her eyes._

_I could still hear her sobs in my mind, as he descended the stairs clumsily, alcohol and uncontrollable rage slowing his steps until they were measured and deliberate. I was frozen to the spot, paralysed by my own pitiful fear. When he reached her I'd tried to stand, to scream, to do anything but my limbs were as heavy as lead; my tongue lolled uselessly in my mouth. _

_A tiny muffled squeak escaped her lips when his hands gently closed over neck choking her of air. I watched as he squeezed the life out of my mother, I saw how her eyes rolled towards me – wild with panic; pleading for me to do something, anything – before rolling helplessly backwards into her skull. Her face was blocked from view as he bent over her and kissed her forehead tenderly, blood staining his mouth like grotesque makeup._

"_Mother!" I finally shrieked._

_He dropped her limp body and turned towards me, broad shoulders heaving. His contorted face crumpled and he began to cry. Tears rolled down his cheeks, mixing with the blood, congealing on his stubble. _

"_Sakura, my baby." He'd called to me softly, almost cooing "Come here baby, mummy's had an accident, come here."_

_I sat paralysed, unable to believe my ears – only able to hear her sobs in my mind, replaying and replaying like a broken record._

"_Come here!" He screamed, losing patience._

_I scrabbled to my feet and staggered towards him, my legs threatening to collapse beneath me. He caught me as I tripped and held me in his arms. They were as strong as vices and held me tightly, I scarcely dared to breath._

"_Oh baby, she fell. She fell. You saw mummy fall didn't you? She fell."_

_I nodded mutely, frightened to the core. _

"_Good girl."_

_He kissed my temple, his lips were sticky with blood. Gently he touched my chin and gazed at me proudly, I felt sick. He left then. Walked out of the house as if it were any other normal day. My knees buckled beneath me as sobs wracked my body. Slowly I crawled towards my mother, afraid that she'd be still, that her body would be cooling as the warmth of life left her._

_I remember the relief when I saw her eyelids flutter like trapped butterflies. With a strength I didn't know I had I pulled myself up and reached for the phone, dialling nine, nine, nine. I waited._

"_Hello what service do you require?"_

"_Help me! My mother is hurt!" I whispered desperately, unable to raise my voice any louder._

"_Where are you miss? What happened?"_

_I touched the blood on my forehead, it was thick and crusting at the edges – my fingers came away scarlet. I stared at my hands and only saw _his_, I stared at my mother and could only see _his_ shadow standing over her._

"_She fell. Please help."_

Shaking my head to escape the memories, I scrabbled backwards across the chairs, kicking a few over as my legs desperately thrashed to get away from the officer who threatened my security.

"Miss Haruno! It's okay! Please calm down!" The officer said, trying to placate me as I tried to escape from him "Miss Haruno, we know what happened, this is protocol. Please, don't be scared."

"Don't!"

He backed off to the other side of the office, hands held up in surrender. I pressed myself against the wall, my heart hammered against my ribs like a frightened rabbit's.

"Miss Haruno, please look at me. I promise; no one will ever hurt you again. No one will hurt you or your mother."

Did he know about mother, did he know she was hurt? I looked at him then, taking in his young face framed by prematurely grey hair. One of his eyes was covered by a black eye-patch. A notched scar ran vertically from his brow to his cheek, I supposed it ran straight through the covered eye. The other dark eye regarded me with unnerving melancholy. I wondered what kind of life this man had lived and why he looked at me as if he understood me. Curiosity burned away the fear in my mind, maybe he knew what had happened already, maybe he could help my mother.

"Please Miss Haruno, I want to help." Mollified by the honesty in his voice and that strange sadness in his eye, I nodded.

"Alright."

"Do you know where your mother is?"

"At the Uchiha's."

He scribbled down the name on a lined notepad and looked up at me, his eye crinkled as he smiled gently.

"And does your mother have a phone we can contact her on?"

My heart dropped and a lump formed in my throat. He didn't know. He couldn't protect her. Tears burnt my eyes and I defiantly rubbed them away with the back of my hand.

"No. She's in a coma."

**Ok I know that an absolutely diabolically bad chapter but I needed to get it out. Thank you all so much for your reviews you've all inspired me to keep going and I'm so sorry this is below quality. Thank you very much to AbreakIntheClouds who's review actually woke me up and made me write some more.**

**You are all wonderful. **

**And I have actually started chapter 3 so you won't have to wait too long I hope.**


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